Several of our kids were getting ready for dinner when our three-year-old grandson, Christopher, grabbed a cookie, climbed up on the kitchen stool, and began to munch away. A visiting friend picked up a cookie and walked into the den and sat down. Christopher quickly went to the doorway and said, "You can't eat that in there. No food allowed in the den." Our friend got up and came back into the kitchen. As he was finishing his cookie, he commented, "How do you guys do it?" The kids laughed and tried to explain how it works. You see I believe I'm responsible for how people act in my house-pretty revolutionary by today's standards.

My wife Susan and I have helped raise 22 kids, and we feel we know how to make it work. In addition, I built Still Creek Ranch, a 500-acre boys' ranch that now includes a girls' ranch and private school. I have spent the last several years working with schools across the United States and in several foreign countries. All of that to say this: I still think I am responsible for how people act in my house.

How do we define "my house?" If I ran a school, the school would be "my house." If I ran a company, which I do, my company would be "my house." What I am saying is that I am responsible for the culture and the conduct that I allow in "my house." If I am in charge, then I need to accept all that goes with that.

Recently, we were working with a company that has approximately 2,000 employees. I made the comment that the culture of the company seemed oppressive and perhaps not very productive, even though they talked about performance all the time. The CEO commented that it was difficult to get the people to treat each other right and that there was always a sense of irritation or frustration among them. "Well," I asked, "who is responsible for that?" He looked surprised and said, "Surely you don't mean to say that I am responsible for the climate of my company?" In a word, yes.

If we are in charge of our home or our company or our school, then we are responsible for what goes on there. There is a process that works, but it takes time and the right people. More than anything, it takes the right people at the top. And chances are good, that would be you. Let me show you how we have made this process work in over a thousand schools here and abroad.

Rules or Relationships?

David Olson introduced a great model called the Circumplex Model. It has two axes: the vertical represents "rules" and the horizontal represents "relationships."

Circumplex Model

 

On the rules axis you will note that there is a continuum range from rigid to chaotic. If I ask 16 year-olds how many rules they need, they usually say that they don't need very many. If I ask their parents or school administrators, they say that those same 16 year-olds need more structure than they think. The result is tension between the two. One wants fewer rules, while the other sees the need for more rules. We can use this model to determine where we are with our teachers, other administrators, the board, the students, etc. The key points of concern are: Where does the person think the rules need to be for him, and where does the leadership think the rules need to be for that person? The greater the distance apart, the greater the tension.

The horizontal line on the graph represents relationships. As a psychotherapist, I have asked many families to plot where they are on the relationship line. Usually the kids will make a mark near "separated." The parents make a mark that indicates they feel they are connected with their kids. Again, the distance between the points tells the tale. The greater the distance, the greater the problem.

The next thing I look for is this: Which line do they tend to focus on? For example, do you see the need for rules as being more important than the need for relationships? Where do you focus most of your activity? Is it on enforcing the rules or working to build the relationships? Where do most of your problems occur? On the rules side it's easy to identify a problem. You broke the rules . . . so there's a problem. Would it surprise you to hear that most people don't even know what I'm talking about when I ask them if the problems are on the relationship side of the equation?

In my house, I'm more concerned about the relationships than I am the rules. And just so we get the whole picture, we have helped raise incredibly successful kids and are still turning them out as fast as we can. I do not believe in being their buddy or knowing everything about their lives down to the most intimate details. I do, however, believe that we can love each other and be committed to working through issues that come up. It's not okay to act any way you want and think that it will be overlooked because of a "love" or commitment that would excuse inexcusable behavior. Wrong behavior is wrong behavior. And there are always consequences aimed at learning how to do it better next time.

Many years ago a friend of mine made a profound comment: "Rules without relationships breed rebellion." This is currently the case in many schools and homes.

We write the rules. We work on the rules. We try to enforce the rules. And we never stop to think that even in the best possible scenario, we can achieve only compliance. Compliance is not what I'm after. Lots of people settle for compliance because they don't know how to get respect. Compliance is what you get with rule-following. Respect comes from the relational side of the equation, from how the person feels toward you.

Appropriate Relationships with Appropriate Adults

In September of 1997, the Journal of the American Medical Association published the results of a significant study. The authors found that the one factor that lowered adolescent risks in the key areas of risk, such as dropping out of school, drugs, sexual activity, etc., was connectedness to an adult. We have said that this connectedness needs to be to an "appropriate" adult, and then we have allowed the group to determine what "appropriate" means.

What is the bottom line to this study? Children need relationships, and they do not do well without them. More than anything, they need appropriate relationships with appropriate adults. When children come to school, do they see attention or time or energy being given to building effective relationships between their teachers and themselves? On the contrary, they see us, as adults, focusing on the things that can be directly measured by others and will provide quantifiable results. Hence, children do not get their needs tended to. And as we have learned from Abraham Maslow, if their needs are not met, they cannot possibly deliver the performance we need from them.

We measure what we treasure. We measure academic performance because we treasure it. What if we find that there is a major factor that affects performance, but we don't have a good way of measuring it, so it's hard to find the "secret" to what really gives us performance? I think there is a secret, and great teachers are doing it without realizing it. I believe it's tied to the idea of winning children to themselves and getting performance through the relational side.

Respectful and Responsible Bahavior

How do we get respectful and responsible behavior? I submit that we cannot get it the way we are currently going about it. I don't want to be responsible to a set of rules. The rule "do not cheat" has meaning to me only when I realize that when I cheat I let someone down or hurt a person by my behavior. If I don't care about the person, then my "breaking the rule" will have little, if any, internal consequence. It is only in knowing that my behavior has an effect on someone I care about, that I begin to modify my actions. As I mature, I internalize these values and then will act in the appropriate way even when no one knows. This is the foundation of character.

Most of the systems involved with children today are totally focused on rule-based behavior. This will never bring more than behavior within the rules, which again, is compliance. We have found that children behave for people they respect. The question then arises, how do we get children, or for that matter anyone, to respect us? The simple answer is to be respectable. But I know many administrators, teachers, parents, etc., who are very respectable, but are not shown respect by certain others. The key here is that those who do not show respect to them are those who are not in a good relationship with them.

Visiting a school recently, I was walking down the halls and heard the same kind of language many of you hear every day. But when I walked into one of our Teen Leadership classes, being taught by a very effective teacher, the entire atmosphere was different. You could easily feel the respect and admiration and concern the students and the teacher shared with each other. The kids knew who I was, and they knew their teacher thought well of me, so much of that respect easily transferred to me. Contrast this with the feelings so many administrators have to contend with when they are not in good relationship with a particular teacher, and the teacher is not in good relationship with her students. Again, "rules without relationships breed rebellion."

One of the things we suggest teachers do to build relationships is to greet each child at the door every day. This allows several things to occur. First, they get to touch each child and interact with each child on a more personal basis. Second, they can ask how the students are doing and get some feedback on how they are for that day. After several days of this the teacher can involve other students in this greeting process, creating a warm setting in which to begin class.

Another thing we suggest is that the teacher take three to five minutes to begin each class with a few comments on "what good things have happened since our last time together." This starts each class off with something good and sets the mood for the day. We hear such things as who got a date, who passed a test, and who scored at a game. Students have a real need to share and be connected with other kids in their class, but we usually don't allow for this and we certainly don't structure class so that these needs are addressed. We ask the teachers to share their "good things," as well, and to rotate this opportunity to the students so that several people have the opportunity to lead the class. We have found that this raises the social skills and speaking skills of each class member. This forms the basis of a secure setting for performance. It is a relationship-based model for leading class. We have many simple skills and techniques that produce incredible results and all of them are aimed at getting connected to kids.

In the past, there was a place for command-control based leadership, whether it was in the classroom or the boardroom. It served the military well for hundreds of years. This method of leadership has been successful with heavy construction industries, such as mining, utilities, railroads, and numerous other arenas of business. But times have changed. Command-control works when we are dealing, for the most part, with less-educated people, such as laborers at the turn of the century. It also works in times of crisis, such as in wars or riots. It does not work with today's work force or with today's kids. If you really want high performance, you have to build relationships.

We know from the work of Goleman (1995) and others that in today's world those people who are effective in relationships are the ones who are successful in life. Isn't this even more true in the classroom? Teachers who are effective in building relationships with kids are obviously more effective in the classroom.

Who Is Your Customer?

Now let me ask this: If you are an administrator, who is your customer? When I think about this in the context of my own company, I realize that my first customer is my staff. My first responsibility is to my team. I want them to give incredible care to our customers, but for that to happen I have to give them my best. When I don't, they really don't have it to give to others.

Please think back to what I mentioned earlier: Who is responsible for what goes on in "my house"? Certainly, I am. We are responsible for the culture we create around us. It's easy to dictate effectiveness, but it's another thing to lead effectiveness.

I coined a phrase in 1977 that has guided me for many years: "If you have a child's heart, you have his head." The same would be true for administrators: if you have your staff's heart, you have their head. But how often do we hear in our administrator training programs that in order to be effective with our kids, we must win our teachers' hearts? And even if we did hear this, would we know where to start?

Some years ago I visited a school to give a keynote address. I arrived early at the school and happened to be walking through the hall when I noticed the superintendent coming toward me. We were the only two people in the hallway, and it was fairly obvious I was a guest. As we approached, I assumed that he would speak and introduce himself to me. He didn't. No eye contact, no smile, no nod, and no recognition at all. It was as though I were not even there. Who is responsible for the culture of his district? How do you think his staff felt? And then, what do you think was passed on to the students?

How can children survive if they come from a cold home or difficult situation to a cold and aloof school? How can we expect them to perform under such conditions? Leaders who are effective in building relationships with staff will more than likely be successful in building a good school.

Winning the War

At the end of a long series of battles that the North had lost in the Civil War, President Lincoln had a meeting with a general he had never met. That man was Ulysses S. Grant. Mr. Lincoln said,

Mr. Grant, I have tried sometimes . . . to figure out what the army needs. I have tried to help where it seemed a great deal of help was needed. I have even made it official, sent out presidential decrees, written up special orders. Most of them have come out of frustration. And, likely, most of them have been wrong. But you cannot imagine what it is like to have all the authority to issue orders and no power to see them carried out.

We will not achieve the victories we long for if we continue to think they will come from presidential decrees, special orders, or edicts from on high, from our boards and administrations. The victories we long for will come only from creating schools that are passionate about children and that create environments that make children acutely aware of their personal value and worth. "School" can be such a cold and distant concept, but the idea of a teacher or administrator who knows me and values me . . . well, that's different. I'll come for that kind of relationship. I'll respect that kind of person. And, by the way, I'll perform for him, too.

I suspect what Mr. Lincoln said would apply to us today, as well. We've tried to help where help is needed. We've made our help official and sent out all manner of decrees and orders. And I suspect most of them have come out of frustration. But if we are genuinely concerned about getting different results, what we need is a different way of doing things . . . and that way is through the hearts of our children and staffs.

References

Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence. New York: Bantam Books.

Olson, D. Family Social Science Dept., 290 McNeal Hall, University of Minnesota, St. Paul, MN 55108.

Resnick, M.D. et al., (1997). Protecting Adolescents from Harm. Journal of the American Medical Association, 278(10), 823-832.

Shaara, J. (1998). The Last Full Measure. New York: Ballantine Books, p. 88.